PJ23

Chapter 02
Path To Sancturary (Destroyed).

My eyelids feel stiff as if they were glued to my face. I cannot open my eyes even though I sniff the stale air around me. This is the first time I can feel the surroundings in a while. But how long? I cannot remember. I do not even know where I am, except that I am lying on a bed, traumatised.

Then, I realize that the stiffness does not come from the heavy eyelids, but something tightly tied to my face. I inhale and am immediately hit by a slight smell of bleach. No, it isn’t bleach. It is something stronger, like sanitizer. I lift my left arm to get hold on whatever that is on my face. It is an oxygen mask that I am made wearing. I am in a hospital?

I do not know how I ended up here. It must have been an accident. Maybe something bad. Something serious. Something unexpected. I tried to gather myself but failed. The corner of my left eye catches sight of a key in silver that is broken into half on the bedside. Is that mine? Yes, it is my home key. But no, I do not remember it is broken. The harder I try to think, the more pain I feel. I’m drained.

There is suddenly a move on my right. I tilt my head slowly, feeling that a small action might break me apart. I choked. Smoke. Yes the smoke. It is still burning, in my lungs. The lit of flame, the red and the river of fire that destroyed everything flash right through my mind.

That’s how I ended up here, with nothing. I am here, but there is only blankness in my eyes. Seeing or not seeing makes no difference to me. To live is to die. To die is to live. Everything is gone. I thought I did not have much then. And now when I am looking back, I hardly paid attention to what I had. I only knew what I did not have. I did not know that I could lose everything in just a fraction of minutes. The beliefs that shape you into who you are now can be as thin as a line of smoke that eventually just turns into nothing.

Who am I? What am I gonna do? Where can I go now?

Ever since that day, for no reason, no one has ever talked about that incident again. But we all probably know what that reason is, don’t we?

I was once thinking — am I the only one sober in the city? Nah, I’m not. By those juddering sobbings I hear every night, I knew they did not forget. I am glad, but also grieved.

I know that deep down I have been subconsciously pushing away the memory of what happened that day. Every single detail of it. I do not want to remember anything even if it means I am to forget who I am.

I am ashamed. Not that I don’t want to. I simply cannot. Break out. I cannot bring the cell of my brain to this episode. The invasion. The devastation. And the self destruction.

Some people don’t understand why those who took their own lives had the courage for this, but not for living. I used to share the same thought. But, for them, living is probably much more dreary than we thought it could be. As I was deep in thought, I started to sink.

Shouting in the water is in vain, no matter how hard you tried, hysterically, no one could actually hear you. Why do we even bother to ask for help? We’re funny, aren’t we?

I wanted to get rid of this pain, but I don’t anymore. I am just too weak to break the shell out of myself. My limbs feel numb. My heart feels empty. My soul is blank, maybe that’s what I’m meant to be.

Vulnerability is never something that should be labelled as negative. It awakens the needs buried deep down in our hearts. I used to dread the feeling of being vulnerable, but I’m now more open to live with it.

After that incident, I thought I had already given up my will to live, as a human being. But I was wrong. At that moment when I was about to succumb to the devil, I struggled. I was unreconciled. But what are the reasons for living? I still don’t have an answer. Or did we have a choice to begin with?

I wanted to leave, staying is too unsettling for me. I tried so hard to leave all these behind. Too hard. But I realised I don’t need to unload everything to move on I engrave them in my heart. Some of the other patients have left to get rid of this hopeless place. I will miss them all. Cause I believe, no matter where we are, as long as we are under the same horizon, we are always aligned.

I am not ready, but I am not going to dwell on it.